Question by Alex Muntaz: Is there anyone out there with the same problem as me?
I don’t know why, but I feel a bit wronged here.
I’m a spanish/american mix. I -was- raised in the first five years of my life in the states. I lived there, went to kindergarten, trick-or-treated in the malls, but then I had a hard time living like a normal kid. My parents practically dated with a dictionary clamped in their hands, and when they moved to virginia,my mother had a -very- unwelcome reaction from my dad’s relatives. She still didn’t know much of english, and when we moved out of my grandparents, my parents were too poor to even afford an actual bed. Since we are also too poor to take me to preschool, and pretty much the only people in an entire apartment block with kids, I was raised for 4 years without seeing anyone else but my mom. So when my parents ushered me to kindergarten, I couldn’t speak a word of english.
My mom was STILL unhappy though. So after borrowing money from relatives, she took me and my younger brother out of the country when my dad was unwittingly working. But then within 24 hours she asked to be brought back again when she was reminded as to WHY she had no problem leaving her entire family behind. It was hugely expensive, and so my dad says, “you know what, screw this, let’s go back to spain.”
And that was how I never got near America again. My dad found a better life working for the military as a software engineer, and my mom, having hated her in-laws and the people who had ignored her back in virginia, developed a racial hatred against anything that personified the country. Plus, my parents found it rude to lock ourselves inside american bases when we could just live next door to the local natives, so I find myself having to interact with spaniards, arabs, indians and the english. In the end, I became different than anyone else. Of course I was already different anyway, a lot of people seem to single me out all the time, and it’s usually very hard for me to be able to interact when most people keep their distances from me. When I finally had to transfer to an english school, my interactions with other american kids stopped completely. It was during the time when 9/11 happened, and I was at the time in an arabic country. Even then people were resenting us, and since I had to study and play with their kids, I was vulnerable to questions and criticisms they wanted to throw at americans. In the end it got too much that I responded by smothering my foreigness. I forgot why we are so proud of ourselves, why we announce our nationality rather than simply say it when asked, and why we ignore everybody else but people like us.
I pretty much became an observer rather than part of anything in the american settlements.
And then I notice when a rare moment of me meeting another americans happens, they all shut me out. Even as soon as a ‘hi’ was exchanged, I see their real views about me glaze over their faces before turning their backs on me. I’m not generalising, I have met 6 people from different parts of the states since I was 12, 3 of them I had to work with, and they all try to keep their distance from me.
I’m pretty much just fine, however, when I interact with adults though. I’ve got a friend in her 30’s living in Colorado now, but when it comes to approaching people my age, I find myself flinching from their judging gazes. A lot of times they stop bothering to look at me in the eye.
I don’t even pry or bother them, and often times when they start behaving like that, I scatter out of the room. Is it because I look different? I still have my american accent, after all. So it’s not a problem of the languages at all. I’m not the first and only spanish/american in a thousand years, am I? What actually makes a person from the states completely ignore the existance of another person?
Ps…I am also very very sorry that this was long. It’s a little complicated and I admit I was a bit angry and desperate.
This is what my outward appearance looks like:
Answer by altar boy
Sure, there are tons of cry-babies like you who go on endlessly about how tough it is for them, being diaper babies and all that. Boo Hoo, someone once…whaaaa, said something and I didn’t, this time, get everything I wanted! Whaaaaa, sniffy sniff, whaaaai!
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